Recipe for losing a wallet

This is a poem I submitted for a tutorial with Bernardine Evaristo and she also loved this. I was kind of shocked by that reaction but of course very happy with it as well. My tutor also said that this would make a great performance piece. I have a show on the 19th of November where I shall try this out and let you know how it goes.

Recipe for losing a wallet

Predrink:
Find leftover martini mix in fridge from two nights ago- 1L.
Drink martini mix on the bus ride to Joe’s apartment.

At Joe’s:
Meet Joe’s Rock Star friends
Drink Canadian Club and Coke
Do triples for alliteration.

Mission Pre-drink accomplished.
Assume mission drunk.

Stumble –somehow- the bus? A cab? Did someone drive?-
To the Roxy Burger on Granville.

Mission Drunk
Location: The bar.
One shot of Jager
One Vodka and Tonic.
-And because they’re rock stars-
One more shot of Jager.

Link arms with Joe
Walk to Media Club
Ask “What’s your friend’s band called?”

BLACK OUT

Media Club Bouncer:
“Honey, it’s time to go home”

Actual time:
10:41 p.m.

BLACK OUT

In Taxi:
“I’m not going to puke in your cab!”

BLACK OUT

In Bedroom: 3 am
Find self half-dressed in bed.
Thankfully your own.
Go to the bathroom.

Roommate:
“Are you ok?”

You:
“Ya, I’m fine.”

Roommate:
“Are you sure?”

You:
“Ya!”

Roommate:
“I’ll go get the bucke-“

BLACK OUT

3 minutes later:
Drink water.
Fully undress.
Go back to sleep.

Wake up: 8 am.
Realize wallet is gone.
Wonder why there is grass in your hair.
Call Visa.

Get filled in by roommate:
-Passed out in bushes.
-Neighbor brought you into the building.
-Vomited for an hour.

Retrace steps.
Find your wallet in a puddle of puke.
Visa still there.
Rejoice.
Call Visa back.
They understand.

Memory returns...
Check cell phone outgoing calls.
See the name of your crush in list.
Check time.
1 min 45 seconds.
Think that is enough time to leave a pretty stupid message.
Hang head in shame.

Wait a week
Repeat.